I’ve had a Facebook account since early 2007, but resisted its advances like catcalls from drunken sailors. My first few friend requests didn’t exactly inspire hope – random co-workers, curious exes, and forgotten classmates . What kind of voyeuristic, Orwellian nightmare was this?? And, why were my ‘friends’ so damn old and frumpy?!? Where were the celebrities, billionaires, and supermodels? Was I not the youthful, gregarious intellectual I thought I was? Surely, this was a mistake…
Despite years of self-delusion and indifference, I finally consummated my cold, distant relationship with Facebook by uploading my contacts in October 2010. This was no selfless act of love. Like many corporations and fellow narcissists, I salivated at the chance to use it to promote my “brand” –blog, book, appearance on Ellen. The last year of this reluctant romance taught me that Facebook is no easy prey. It’s an amazing social experiment that can be trivial, passionate, funny, and deeply personal – all at the same time. It’s an addictive, evolving organism with a rhythm and personality of its own – one that can be prickly and unkind to marketing and self-promotion. This fact is often lost on businesses.
If, like me, you’ve ever tried to claw your way out of a mind-numbing meeting on how to “market on Facebook”, salvation is here. “The 15 Faces of Facebook” will be my ever-evolving analysis of who dwells on Facebook, what motivates them, and whether they’ll hear your Twilight howls of commerce. Ideafaktory is about to save you hundreds of thousands of dollars on behavioral psychologists and social media research. Then again, like any good drug dealer, the first hit is always free.
The 15 Faces…of Facebook
The ‘15 Faces’©
Messages they can hear
So extreme, that The Resistor refuses to join Facebook at all. He knows it’s part of some plot to sell his birth date and sitcom preferences to the Russians. This person either has a stockpile of gold and weapons in his basement or is part of a bong-smoking tribe whose rituals make it increasingly difficult to type…or own a computer.
2. Forever Newbie
Usually old people who always screw up their settings or post to a wall instead of sending a private message. Their kids often have to intervene to keep them from posting their social security numbers. Other low-tech middle-aged people fall into this category.
Could end up in the danger zone. Stares at people’s pictures, but never shares or comments. It’s the digital equivalent of the guy who one day wipes out his family and his gumshoe neighbors praise how quiet he was and ‘always kept to himself’. Usually not dangerous, but not eager to share. Distrusts the medium, but feels a need to “spy” on others.
Rarely posts. Impossible to find. Uses fake names, codes, few pictures. Won’t accept invitations. Sets the hurdle so high to friend them, you’ll have to send clean urine if you want a piece of this friendship. Rare and guarded interactions. Friend group size can range dramatically since they are very conscious of status, class and how they come off. Usually have fulfilling friendships and real-world relationships.
They exhibit good balance and judgment.
Devoted friend, engages easily in online conversation. Has a rich life not ruled by Facebook. Says things that are interesting without airs. Share things that are happening in their lives without making others feel bad about it. Balanced communication. Well-rounded. Let’s face it, they’re better than us. Typically female.
6. Day Tripper
Always checking in or out of some place that most people don’t want to visit. Oh, Alabama airport lounge, again?! Most posts are routine and uninspired. They’re just looking for a friend…or a romp with a stranger at the motel near the conference.
7. The Mommy
Childbirth is a life-changing experience. That couldn’t be more evident on Facebook. To The Mommy, it wouldn’t matter if New York was taken over by Zombies or Lindsay Lohan joined Al Qaeda because Johnny just drooled mashed carrots all over the cat. Precious! Every post says, ‘my kids are my world, they consume all my thoughts.’
SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?
People who subscribe to every game and novelty app in the world…and tell you about it. They’re always on the verge of exposing their friends to some unsavory virus that will destroy the world, or at the very least, post creepy stories on their wall.
Soapboxers have one issue or cause and they can’t stop posting about it. It could be a favorite football team, but more often, they’re trying to save the world or rage against the machine…from the comfort of their computer. From fighting a Zionist war to keeping illegals offshore – no matter what, don’t debate them! You’ll be typing well through the weekend. They are not above unfriending dissenters.
These are people (often under 30) who definitely don’t spend time worrying about privacy settings. They just don’t worry. They are free spirits, go with the flow, and their profiles will eventually be used by their employers to build a case against them.
HEAR ME, HEAR ME!
The Promoter always has an agenda. It could be a cause, a charity, a small business. This person is going to promote their latest video, product, a 5am appearance on a Poughkeepsie radio show. They will friend EVERYBODY…
Performers have purpose, but not an agenda per se. Every post has to be perfectly crafted, humorous and attract the adoration of others. These are usually people with some talent and are perfectionists of sorts. Often they are interesting people with something to say. Always on and rarely listening.
Post wise quotes, but don’t have the creative horsepower of Performers. They wield the wisdom of others to achieve a similar result. Their posts can be inspirational, interesting or hollow. Generally, these are smart people in left-brain, less creative fields. They own graphing calculators.
OMG, THIS IS MY LIFE!
No agenda. Pointless check ins, cafeteria, kitchen, every song they listen to, every credit card transaction, coupon notifications. They are mayors of things that have no formal government structure. Food pornographers.
They never turn down a friend request. Like Highlanders killed other immortals to take their powers, MeMe’s absorb every friend request and comment for affirmation of attractiveness or popularity. Not prone to wit or wisdom, they are extrinsically focused, mostly posting photos of parties and events that Lurkers thrive on.
Purebreeds vs Mutts
No one is just one thing, but some tread dangerously close. Just like in real life, different people and different situations bring out different qualities. Plus Facebook, as a medium, can magnify or conceal certain personality traits. In analyzing my own Facebook behavior, I’m probably somewhere between Performer and Promoter with a touch of Protector and Soapboxer. What can I say – I find the idea of an audience irresistible, I rabidly un-tag photos where I look chubby, and dammit, I have a book to promote!!!
So can you sell effectively on Facebook?
We are all living in this massive social experiment. The rules are constantly changing. When Facebook’s Timeline rolls out, the rules will change again. So can you sell successfully on Facebook? This post tells only part of the story. The complete answer is at the nexus of three things:
Grain of salt
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