Dear Fellow Americans,
We, here at the Electoral College, pride ourselves on being America’s Safe Space. That is why our leader, Dean Hufflepuff was so distressed to read your change.org petition, urging us to override the election of “misogynist, racist, sexist, fascist, narcissist, anti-Semitic, manspreader, pu**y-grabber” Donald J. Trump. You’ll be happy to know our Chamber of Secrets has reached a decision – and we are prepared to act quickly.
Before we explain our plan of action, we’d like to reveal the powerful secret behind the Electoral College – and why it still exists.
Since 1776, our proud institution has had a fully functional time machine. It was invented by Benjamin Franklin and its designs later stolen by H.G. Wells, that asshole. The Franklin Hyperloom has been hidden in a top-secret bunker under Colonial Williamsburg, home to America’s original hipsters.
Due to constraints in the time-space continuum and limitations of colonial engineering, we believe The Hyperloom can only be used once. Therefore, it has been reserved for only the most dire national emergency, based on retweets.
Your petition, friends, has made us realize that this is exactly the moment.
We considered using The Hyperloom to stop the Civil War, Hitler, and Lee Harvey Oswald. But those were way too trivial. Today, our nation faces a scourge of unknown proportions! A vain, flip-flopping, 70-year-old, orange billionaire with a supernatural comb-over and an almighty Twitter finger. And once he seizes control of the @POTUS Twitter account, there is no telling how powerful he’ll become.
There is not a moment to spare. And no tool is too big. Or too hard. Or too girthy.
We have filled the Hyperloom with water and coal and selected Jerome Jefferson IV, direct descendant of Thomas Jefferson, to pilot it back to the year 2015. He will ensure only Scott Walker qualifies to run for the Republican nomination. As a result, no Republican voters could possibly stay awake on Election Day, making Hillary Clinton our next President.
If the machine remains functional, we have also empowered Mr. Jefferson to bring back Seinfeld, make M&M’s healthier than kale, and all farts smell like lilacs.
Now, wish him luck! You won’t hear from us again. That’s not how time travel works.
OK, I’m sad to report that upon reading about our mission, anti-coal protesters descended upon Williamsburg and permanently damaged the Hyperloom. Until further notice, Donald J. Trump will be the next US President.
And in a related sad note, Dean Hufflepuff died tragically, trying to extinguish the flaming Hyperloom. On his deathbed, the Dean asked me to read his final words:
“I die with a heart full of hope…and lungs filled with coal fumes. I’m proud to know democracy is alive and well. Logging on to change.org with your Twitter credentials and ticking the “YES” box is one of the bravest acts of defiance I’ve ever known. Someday that will be exactly as impressive as getting more votes in swing states or offering a better candidate.”