Why I Endorse Donald Trump For President

I hereby announce my wholehearted endorsement of Donald J. Trump.

You know that moment when you can’t find your own genitals in a sea of errant, blubbery flesh…? And your mom installed a bucket-pulley system to get KFC orders from the ground floor to your bed…? Then there’s a fire. Firefighters have to remove an entire wall to rescue you because your skin has fused with the bed…? Finally, you watch a special about yourself on TLC and start thinking, maybe 20,000 calories a day was not your best idea.

Well, that’s America. We’ve really let ourselves go. The country is bitterly divided. People are angry, but complacent. American politics are as broken as our spirits. I’ve concluded that only Trump can unite us. Not for him, but against him.

Trump is America’s close call. He is the crazy ex-fiance, the near-death experience, the violent drug-addled pet chimp that one day nearly tears our arms off. We need Trump to break us out of our malaise. The question is how close to killing us does this careening Buick have to come?

I don’t think a failed, cartoonish campaign teaches anyone a lesson. We need four years of protests on the streets, with bonfires and billyclubs, against Der Drumpf, to get republicans, democrats and independents fighting for the same cause, rediscovering our shared values.

To rise again, we need to hit rock bottom. And rock bottom has landed like an orange, fluffy, fiery meteor from planet Bravo. So rejoice, Americans, our (eventual, painful) resurgence is upon us!

Now, start mixing those Molotov cocktails, just like grandma used to in the 60’s.

And ‪#‎MakeAmericaHateAgain‬! …at least for a while.

– Steve Faktor