12 Random Rants on Hillary Clinton’s DNC Speech

Hillary Clinton is like broccoli. You know it’s probably good for you, but you really crave Cheetos. She made her big pitch to America last night. I’d rate it at 1/3 Obamas. (Let’s face it, he’s a natural.) But compared to Donald Trump’s Hunger Games last week in Cleveland, Hillary made it clear there’s only one major-party candidate not Putin us on. That said, she’s not getting a free pass. As I did with Donald J. Cheeto last week, here is my skewering steaming of last night’s broccoli:

1) Yes, Trump’s speech was dark and gloomy, but I can’t for the life of me tell if Hillary is inspiring me or scaring me. It’s that voice… Half human, half European ambulance. Is she angry? Is she happy? Is she joking? No way to tell. No intonation or warmth, just variations in volume. It’s like listening to Autotune lose the will to live as Kanye butchers Bohemian Rhapsody.

2) Lots and lots of promises. One for every group. Wait, did she just mention Lithuanian dwarves?? Still, not enough crazy. No wall? No deportations? No gold logo? I will tire of this quickly. Needs more orange.

 

3) She’s running with one of Bernie’s best ideas – getting money out of politics. I’d be weeping with joy…if she hadn’t raised more money from private interests than any candidate in history. Like watching El Chapo do a ‘Just say no’ PSA. Somebody dig up Nancy Reagan! Too soon?

4) Hillary’s also running with one of Bernie’s worst ideas: free college. 50% of graduates are already in jobs that don’t require degrees. Now we’ll be flooding the market with more surplus at taxpayer expense. Misguided subsidies are why every American is now made of 43% corn syrup. What we need is trade schools and apprenticeships, not more marginal bloggers. …wait a minute.

5) She is right, we don’t need a president in the pocket of the gun lobby. We need a president in the pocket of the drug, bank, and lawyer lobbies.

6) I’d totally get hot for the idea of patriotic corporations paying their fair share of taxes, but…. With more monopolies and oligopolies providing essential goods and services, every tax increase gets passed through to consumers as higher prices. Why do you think your $49 cell phone plan costs $73 after taxes and “recovery fees”? They’re not “recovering” treasures from the Titanic. They’re recovering profits lost to good intentions.
 
7) How many Jewish speechwriters died writing those Trump zingers…? (Little men moved by fear and pride… Trump spoke for 70 ODD minutes… Bait with a Tweet….) I bought (stole) this commemorative babka to honor their sacrifice. #Hillacaust2016 #NichtFurgessen
 
8) Watching this, I believe she will get things done. She’ll definitely snuff out hostages and release Putin’s dick pix to get her way. I like that kind of spunk in a Commander in Chief.
 
9) (Generic white guy comes out.)
“Who is that??”
“Vice President Tofu.”
 
10) Is that Bill?? Hugging Hillary?? First time he’s touched her in years. Someone’s getting lucky tonight… After Hillary falls asleep.
 
11) WTF is their balloon budget?? Add in Chelsea’s $500K appearance fee and they’ll bankrupt this country!
 
12) We need to get over making history with our presidential choices – and focus on what really matters: entertainment. I can’t watch this for four years. She might save America, but she’s going to destroy late night television. Hillary is two foreign wives and a spray tan away from convincing me #ImWithHer…for the comedy.
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PS – Read my Trump piece from last week.

 

 

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