Resting Bitch Face: 23 Sassy Observations From The First Presidential Debate

First, I rejoiced at Donald’s convention coup, then at Hillary’s coronation. Now, my two heroes on one stage!!! The only thing left is that Meet the Press/Spongebob crossover and I can die happy…

Anyway, here are my observations from the first presidential debate:

 

  1. Hillary’s first answer was like a keyword orgasm. She’s been studying so hard, she had to unleash every single buzzword she’s been stuffed with, like a pinata that hasn’t been poked in decades. “Granddaughter, small business, infrastructure, clean energy, equal pay, working parents, smart grid, corporate loopholes” ….yadda yadda yadda.

    • Q: If every candidate in every election yelps about “corporate loopholes”, why the fuck do we still have corporate loopholes?
    • A: To have something to talk about at debates, of course.
    • I did like her employee profit sharing idea, but legislating something like that is a recipe for massive unintended consequences, exactly like when her husband caused executive pay to explode.
  2. After Trump’s first answer, I wrote, “he’s going to win.” He’s laser-focused on jobs, jobs, jobs. Stopping companies from leaving. He even had some air conditioner company example. He was as prepared as a maniacal narcissist ever could ever be.
  3. Then he started to smash my crystal ball to pieces with a loud, aggressive, yell-y tone – repeating, “Is it President Obama’s fault?” – twice – like he’s lecturing his armada of divorce attorneys. 
  4. The theme of the night was Trump’s language. His speaking style is so simplistic and repetitive, I can see why it resonates with some people. Short, simple sentences are powerful and effective. He even smartly stole a word from Hillary. She called him “cavalier.” So he came right back and used it on her. (“I’m rubber and you’re glue”-style) But what I noticed most were the negative, nay, apocalyptic terms he used:
    • Fighting
    • Zero sum game
    • Losing
    • Thousands of jobs leaving
    • disaster
    • Devastation
    • Worst
    • regulations
    • tremendous
    • billions and billions
    • ripped off
    • trade deficit
    • hacks
    • Living in hell, so dangerous, thousands of shootings, third world country (referring to Chicago shootings & black neighborhoods)
    • We’re a mess
    • a shame
    • Worst recovery
    • tremendous problems
    • big fat ugly bubble
    • Iran choking on sanctions
    • Seriously troubled
    • Deporting
    • Onerous (most complex word I’ve ever heard him use)
  5. We should give Trump credit for making trade an important political issue, forcing politicians to address what has been badly neglected. Of course, his solutions would destroy commerce as we know it, but nobody’s perfect.
  6. Trump giveth and he taketh away: WTF with the birther bumbling??? Worst response to any question ever. Just word soup. Hillary had the best response of the night here: “just listen to what you heard”.
  7. “I will bring back jobs. You can’t bring back jobs.” There’s no “i” in “team.” But there is one in “insane” and “narcissist” and “egomaniac.” The “i”‘s have it. 
  8. I love how he makes up numbers on the fly. “We could probably double that to $5T.” You couldn’t get deviations that big if a raccoon ran your Quickbooks.
  9. It would be too easy to compare this debate to an adult talking to a special adult. I saw Hillary as more of classical musician – perfectly rehearsed, trying to hit every note – as written, after multiple beatings by a Tiger Mom. Trump is more of a jazz musician. Making it all up as he goes along. Even notes that aren’t on the instrument. If this debate was played on piano, he’d have been pounding on the bench.
  10. Ah, tax returns. “My lawyers say don’t release them. But I’m gonna do it… I swear… They don’t want me to… Take my wife, please…” Hillary unloaded all the conspiracy theories on this one. His response: “I could give you a list of banks… They’re very nice banks. Beautiful couches and carpets. And those tellers. They could be Miss America. Want me to sketch you a picture of the branch manager?”
  11. Race. This was a terrible question for both of them. She tried so desperately to walk the milquetoast middle, hoping to run out the clock without saying anything. Though her “we are all biased” answer was basically her version of #AllLivesMatter. Trump’s answer was as bad or worse, basically a rambling word jumble with a law & order theme straight out of Despotism 101 at Trump University. Summary: “I frisk, therefore I am.”
  12. Telling her “You decided to stay home (instead of campaign)” was a low blow, but super Trumpy!
  13. So cute that he’s so proud of a golf club that never turned down money from rich Arabs or blacks. Finally, a place we can all be equal. He’s like Rosa Parks Avenue.
  14. Hillary: “Organs of states.” Now this is a great board game. “Alex, I’ll take Lithuania’s taint for $1,000.”
  15. Clinton talking smack on hacking: “We have much greater capacity.” Translation: “Get ready for cyberwar, motherf–ckers!”
  16. “My son is so good with computers.” “We gotta get better at cyber.” He said it three times! Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! Holy Grandpa! Spoken like a man who’s only tablet is a tiny Moses souvenir whittled from bamboo by Bibi Netanyahu.
  17. “I have the best temperament.”
  18. Trump’s resting bitch face is identical to Derek Zoolander’s.
  19. To Trump, everything is a deal. And in every deal, there’s a winner and a loser. No wonder none of his business partners endorse him. Deals deals deals. It’s like if Paula Deen ran for president and explained geopolitics in terms of butter.
  20. Pretty effective Trump line: ‘She has experience, bad experience.’
  21. He really can’t let anything go. He’s so petty, he falls for every provocation. When she said he called women pigs, slobs and dogs, he’s like, “Rosie O’Donnell deserved it.” Such a small man on such a big stage.
  22. And he knows it. “If she wins, I will support her.”
  23. Look at all those kids, competing for who hops on stage first, protecting their inheritance. …I’d do the same exact thing.

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