10 Darkly Funny Thoughts on Trump’s RNC Speech

  1. Trump impersonators must be having a field day – the facial expressions, the hand gestures, the orangeness – he’s in full blown Trump mode.
  2. Narcissism is the world’s most powerful force. Where can I get some more? There has to be a Trump-branded spray-on somewhere… Check under the steaks.
  3. Are we in Falouja?? You’d think we were under siege daily. Who is attacking these middle-aged suburban whiteys living off Route 63 in Tallahassee??
  4. I know he stood in front of the mirror for hours repeating: “I can be more presidential than anybody. I am the most presidential. Who’s more presidential than me? Nobody. That’s who.”
  5. Let this be a lesson to anyone who’s ever wanted to give a specific answer to any question: don’t. Just tell them, “Trust me. I’ll do it better than anybody, faster than anybody, and you’re gonna love it.” How else do you think I got dates in college?
  6. One moment of near-humility: admitting he might not deserve all the evangelical support he got. I think he did. Any group that loves the unborn so dearly but tells them to f***-off the second they dare crawl out, kinda feels Trumpy to me.
  7. I love the pitch to the LGBT community. I know he meant it because he added the Q at the end. Nice touch. Got my vote…and a naked selfie. Call me, Sailor;-)
  8. “No one knows the system better than me. That’s why I alone can fix it.” Can’t. Take. The. Humility.
  9. Can anyone get hard for Mike Pence?? Geez. If he was any more bland, someone would try to run a paint roller over him. And how long was the debate to determine how much smaller his font would be compared to Trump’s? I’m convinced Trump tried to get it moved to the back of all the posters.
  10. Who are the mutants who get this excited over a bloviating billionaire?? Or any politician for that matter?? If you don’t have a healthy skepticism about politicians, please volunteer to be composted as food for a more majestic species. May I suggest orangutans for the occasion?

READ MY THOUGHTS ON HILLARY CLINTON’S DNC SPEECH