Half of Americans think President Donald Trump will bring the end of days – starting with the tragic loss of several basic cable stars to Canada. The other half thought Hillary would bring World War III, attacking Russia…or formatting Pentagon hard drives.
In a way, they were both right.
Every economic boom is followed by a bust. Though people voting for Trump (or Bernie) didn’t feel it, the last seven years were pimpin’! Unemployment plummeted, stocks reached record highs, and Apple released a revolutionary collection of dongles. Guess what? We’re due. Even if Hillary won, it’s just as likely she’d preside over a recession. But in case President Trump can also make recessions great again, this handy guide might be the only thing standing between you and that goober with an assault rifle.
Our debt has exploded. Debt is to countries what Rob Schneider is to Oscar nominations. Instead of raising taxes and getting our shit together, the US, Europe, China, Japan chose to print wacky amounts of money. This transferred wealth from individual savers to banks and b/millionaires. 62% of Americans live paycheck to paycheck and can barely afford one gig of porn a month.
Our distorted economy drives inequality, middle class decline, wars, cronyism, and massive bubbles in startups, stocks, housing, education, and bonds. This is seriously going to affect our Rotten Tomatoes scores.
You know how I know this is real? Billionaires are hoarding loads of cash, waiting to buy up bargains. They know something we don’t. That’s why I’ve prepared this handy guide to help you survive ANYTHING. From recession to apocalypse, I’ve got you covered.
13 Ways to Survive ANYTHING!
As you can see, I grouped these by:
- Vertically: degree of awfulness. Least awful at the bottom. Shit ton apocalypse at the top. All kinds of good cheer in between.
- The horizontal axis is difficulty level. Pretty easy on the left. Ocean-splitting on the right.
Grab a pen, a pack of smokes, and an AR-15. Let’s get through these one by one.
In Case of a Market Correction….
1) Gold Funds – Owning gold funds is like owning a flashlight. 99% of the time it doesn’t do much. But when stocks go down, people get scared. They bid up a shiny metal that was money back when all Nikes were sandals. Holding 5% (no more than 10%) of your money in a gold ETF might offset some of the sadness and drinking associated with your stocks and bonds tanking. It’s a temporary relief. But so is heroin. And everyone does that, right? Right….?
In Case of Recession…
2) 2+ Years of Savings – The first casualty of recession is jobs. Until you have two years of expenses banked, say no to everything besides raw broccoli, store brand garbanzos, and pirated telenovelas. Those better not be real Corn Flakes in your cart! You can, however, celebrate each 6-month milestone with one sushi Groupon and an envious glance at a mid-tier Tesla. Then back to your fucking chickpeas!
3) Own a Bar – It’s no secret when things suck, people drink. But you’re not their priest or mother-in-law. You’re a cold, hard survivor. Eskimos eat seals. Survivors mix screwdrivers. Do your job right and your customers’ forget their problems and how they got those mysterious red bumps. You are a recession-killing, loneliness-fighting, memory-erasing, Medicine Man. Or woman.
4) Go into Healthcare or Education – There are only three professions that didn’t lose jobs in the last recession: healthcare, education, and prostitution.
Let’s face it, you’re too ugly for one of those. So, crack open those books! And make yourself recession-proof. There are no Groupons for biopsies. (That’s not a terrible idea…)
(I know this chart also shows government work, but I included that under prostitution. Kidding. That’s cruel. I’d never insinuate government workers could handle a competitive work load. Or any kind of load.)
5) Own a Casino – I know this one sounds tough. When jobs are scarce, everyone is desperate for easy money. Some will raid Little Tiffany’s piggy bank for a chance to put her through college…or more likely, adoption. But even Child Protective Services can’t dim the grim hopefulness of gambling. I know what you’re thinking: even the greatest businessman of all time, Donald J. Trump, couldn’t do this. So how could you possibly cash in? The simplest way is to move to Nevada and work for a casino. If you’re entrepreneurial, start a private game, club, or mini-casino behind a bodega. A secret phrase to enter is always a nice touch. (Check local laws first.) If you’re tech savvy, there are loads of gambling startups, like DraftKings, making a killing.
In Case of Global Debt Default…
6) Own Physical Gold (or Silver) – Sure ETF’s are dandy if things stay civil. But if markets collapse, you’ll want to own the shiny stuff. Bags of it. I know this conjures a bygone era of riding a donkey through the dusty, wild west. That’s ridiculous. Everyone knows you’ll need a horse. If you’re on a budget, a mule will do. You’ll have the security of knowing when you ride into a new town and spot a moose pelt or virgin you like, all you have to do is shave off a few flakes of gold. Then off you ride, ready for winter…and fatherhood.
7) Live in a Country with Nukes – If you live in the US, France, China, UK, Pakistan, India, or Israel, move along to #8. If you’re in North Korea, you can’t possibly be reading this – and a global debt default would be an upgrade. I know this is politically incorrect, unlike the rest of this post, but the more weaponized your country, the less likely creditors are to come to collect. That buys your failing banana republic enough time to get its shit together.
If We’re Inching Towards Depression…
8) Be Essential – Very few people – or skills – are indispensable. In fact, the more important you think you are under normal conditions, the more useless you are in an emergency. If everything goes to shit, here’s who absolutely, positively cannot be cannibalized (yes, eaten by friends and neighbors): doctors, nurses, engineers, carpenters, plumbers, mechanics, construction workers, electricians, scientists. If you’re a lawyer, businessman, or vlogger, go ahead and smear yourself with barbecue sauce now. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
9) Own Revenue-Generating Equipment/Property – City slickers in fancy, overpriced apartments laugh at the guy with a truck…or a tractor. Guess who laughs last during the depression? By day, he’s earning gold flakes hauling stuff. By night, he’s feasting on some worthless Manhattanite.
If We’re Nipping on The Heels of Revolution…
10) Have a Bunker, Guns and Supplies – I know this did not work out for Hitler, but he was a bit too A-list. The Allies won’t be looking for you. As long as you keep your pimped-out shelter secret, you won’t have neighbors buttering you up to be on your own personal Schindler’s list…or menu. Ok, this got dark fast… Take my word – this great advice.
11) Have a Farm, Boat, Access to Water and Guns – Do I have to spell this out for you? Have land you can farm, accessible to water, that you can defend with your guns and hopefully, a small army of able-bodied children. If that doesn’t work – RUN FOR THE BOAT!! Live off the sea until things calm down or Moby Dick eats your ship, whichever comes first.
12) Escape to New Zealand – All rich people have this plan. New Zealand has the population of one subway car and nothing but land and goats as far as the eye can see. Of course, this plan is worthless if you don’t have a way of getting there. I suggest a fueled-up underground jet and a pilot’s license. This is a one-way trip, so no need to learn how to land, once you hear a cocophony of “beeeehh, beeeehhhhh, behhhhh”, slam the eject button and parachute into paradise. If you’re single, you’ll find the goats quite versatile…eventually.
OK, it’s the apocalypse…things really did not work out here…
13) Go to Mars with Elon Musk – Sure, it looks like Elon Musk is trying to save humanity by getting us to Mars. This is a lie. Truth is, he found the one place poor people from the apocalypse can’t get to him. Sure, some early pioneers will die. (All of them.) But eventually, Elon and his Silicon Valley pals will own the equivalent of the last patch of beachfront property known to man. These tech titans will rebuild humanity in their image – Pokemon. Of course, to get in on this this: 1) Make a billion, 2) Befriend Elon Musk 3) Pack light.